3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
