This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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