my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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