i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
