but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
