i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the condom got lost in my hair
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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