There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
