Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
