I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
