Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
