So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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