So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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