Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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