onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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