I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
