i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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