pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
