I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
