I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
