my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Houston, we have a blender
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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