hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
