i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
