I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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