pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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