I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
