I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
