Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
