I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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