I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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