remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
