im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
