i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
