apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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