I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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