I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
farters have to be the big spoon...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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