You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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