i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
