Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
