then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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