Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
