god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
