Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
