it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
