Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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