the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
