You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
