my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
