So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
