The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
