Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
