Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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