I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
