I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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