Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
