Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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