So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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