3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
