i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
